Home The Hoarde of the Bards Poems Songs Filk
The Merry Bard's Page The Fayre Companie Pipe 'Til the Blood Sings
The Clanne Preachain Songbook

12-Step Program for Bardic Circle Recovery

by Gunnar Redbeard

1. I must stop carrying my songbook with me wherever I go, especially in mundane activities.
2. I must clean out my wallet/purse and throw away all those scraps of paper with bits and pieces of poetry on them.
3. I must stop referring to past SCA events as "that bardic circle of such-and-such date".
4. I must stop analyzing people's speech patterns and categorizing them by rhyme and meter.
5. I must recognize that few people, even in the SCA, are really amused by my "life experiences" such as getting traffic tickets, etc.
6. I must understand and accept that there are SCA activities in the daytime as well.
7. I must learn to stop filking advertising jingles.
8. I must learn not to refer to the Crown as the "designated smoke magnet".
9. I must stop writing business letters in sonnet formats.
10. I must stop using Shakespearean oratory style when talking with my co-workers and especially with my employer.
11. I must carefully rearrange the furniture in my home so that it is not in a circle.
12. And most especially, I must stop this pernicious habit of coming up with bogus "12-step programs"!

Back to top
The 20 Minute Bardic Workout

by Gunnar Redbeard

1. The Bardic Dual Tankard Lift:
With two tankards or drinking horns, do 30 reps at full extension, while thanking your host profusely.

2. The Bardic Call to Battle:
Respond instantly to any buffet line, being one of the first served. While bellying up to the bar, fill three large wooden plates and drinking horn while thanking your host profusely. Repeat until lacquer is worn off plates.

3. The Bardic Squat and Lunge:
Sit closely to a fire and sing at the top of your lungs while inhaling enough smoke to cure a ham. When person asks for a chair, thank your host profusely and lunge for another chair. Repeat until all chairs have been sat in.

4. The Bardic Pentathalon:
Book several conflicting gigs. While carrying a full tankard and a 40-lb. music book and wearing life-threatening clothing, run full tilt into a totally dark forest after sitting in front of a blazing fire. See how many wrong encampments you run into before you find the right one. After you run into your seventh tree, crawl to the nearest encampment, ask for a beer, and thankyour host profusely.

5. The Bardic Flirt and Duck/Run:
Find cute person of you desire. This person will usually be attended by largest, scariest person outside of a prison movie. Flirt, duck, run. Repeat until cornered. When encampment pulls you out of the tree, thank your host profusely.

6. The Bardic Test of Manhood/Womanhood:
Find the least most receptive encampment. Uninvited, sing 20 minutes of ancient Latvian Siege Yodeling, complete with "!bangi" glottal stops, while inhaling burning embers. Survive. find the nearest friendly encampment, and let them peel off the duct tape. Thank your host profusely.

7. The Bardic "Dreaded Eyebrow of Scorn":
Find the most arts-oriented encampment. While surrounded completely by people wearing significant medallions and ornaments, take a request for the hardest piece of material you've barely learned. Perform, while the three people with Ph.D.'s in folklore, musicology and ethno-linguistics prepare a doctoral critique on what you did wrong. Watch as their 9-year-old daughter performs it beautifully on the harp, backwards, and blindfolded. Pick flattened ego off the ground, crawl away, thanking you host profusely.

Back to top
Advice to Ladies

©1995 by Morgan Wolfsinger (Website)
mka Catherine Demott

Chorus:
And it's men! Men! Drink to the men!
Drain mug or goblet, then raise it again!
For, though they are trouble, there's still one in ten
That's worth every minute, so drink to the men!

O, men are strange critters, and given to lust,
And rare is the one who is worthy of trust
Where love is concerned. In such matters, one knows
They're best led around by the balls, not the nose!

Chorus

Now if you find out that his love is a sheep,
Don't worry, she's warm and she's easy to keep.
She'll not ask for diamonds, or rubies, or wine,
And served up with mint sauce she'll taste mighty fine!

Chorus

If your love's fought too long now, and boys are his choice,
Don't cry the moat full, lass. Stand up and rejoice!
His new light 'o love might be manly and fair,
And, if you ask sweetly, then maybe he'll share!

Chorus

If his heart's desire seems reallly quite young,
In fact, at an age where a lullaby's sung.
Just send off a note the town constable's way,
Then smile, give her cookies, and send her to play.

Chorus

Now should your love's tastes run to leather and chains,
Jelly and butter and other things strange.
If such does amuse you, then join in the fun.
If not, see that he is the receiving one!

Chorus

If worse comes to worst now, and he's his own love,
Don't send up your cries to the heavens above.
Just dust off his clothes, give his mirror a shine,
And you and his ego will get along fine!

Chorus

If you've found no comfort in what I have said,
You're tired of his quirks, and you wish he was dead,
Don't slice up your lover, for murder's a crime,
Just find you another, and have a good time!

Chorus

Back to top
Again and Again

traditional English

I married a wife, oh then, oh then
I married a wife, oh then
I married a wife, she's the plague of my life!
I wish I was single again.

Chorus
Again and again and again and again,
Again and again and again!

My wife took a fever
I prayed wouldn't leave her
For I wished to be single again.

Chorus

My wife then she died.
I laughed 'till I cried
I was glad to be single again.

Chorus

I went to the funeral
The band it played,
And I danced all the way
For the joy to be single again!

Chorus

I married another
Far worse than the other.
And I wish I was single again!

Chorus

Back to top
Ale In My Cup

By Stephen of the Grove

I've wandered and traveled throughout many lands
I've smiled at the ladies and I've kissed their hands
I've told a few stories and sang 'til sun-up
And I'll do it tonight, if there's ale in my cup.

I'll drink until morning, I don't need a dare.
I'll laugh at the king (if the king doesn't care)
I'll be under the table, but then I'll stand up
As soon as you pour me some ale in my cup.

I'll drink and I'll sing, all through the night.
I'll sleep only after I've seen the daylight.
I'll rise for the feast, I'll sit down and sup
And then I will revel with ale in my cup.

I'll play with my sticks to amuse the crowd
And if I do well, they'll all cheer out loud.
With three in my hands, I'll start to throw up
For I juggle much better without ale in my cup

So I'll build a fire, and you bring a chair.
You bring your guitar and you just be there.
You tell a story and you sing a song,
And if we all know it we'll all sing along.

We'll sing about maidens rescued by kings
Tell stories of seamen and sea-monster things.
And if someone asks me, why, then I'll get up
And sing you a song about ale in my cup.

Back to top
Angus' Kilt

by Michael Sean MacLeish of Emerald Keep

Have ye heard the tale
The bonnie Scots telled
'Bout ol' Angus MacLeish
And wha's in his kilt?

If ye listen to me
I'll tell ye I will
All that I've heard
'Bout Angus' kilt.

Chorus

'Twas a big one he had.
Much larger than mine
And the bonnie lasses bragged
'Bout it all o' the time.

Once out on the lochs
A storm took our sail
But ol' Angus saved us all
With his kilt in the gale.

So we sailed into port
With his kilt in our rig
And the crowds did exclaim
By the Gods, it is big!

Chorus

Once out on the high moors
In the snows we were lost.
With no hopes of shelter
To keep out the frost.

If not for ol' Angus
We'd've died in the wind,
But a pavilion we had
When his kilt was unpinned.

Chorus

 Once o'er in the Holy Lands,
When we needed a flag
But we could na find naught
Save a dirty old rag.

But ol' Angus once more
Did he come to our aid
When he unwound his kilt
For our victory parade.

Chorus

Once after a battle
We needed a shroud.
To bury not one
But the whole clan McCloud

O'l Angus stepped forward
And said to the priest
"Ye can have me kilt sir,
To cover up your deceased."

Chorus

Once making some scotch
When we needed a sieve
To strain through with whiskey
From Erin I believe

Old Angus once more
Did he top all the rest
When he took off his kilt
And made that batch our best.

Chorus

Back to top
Anne Boleyn Song

In the Tower of London large as life,
The ghost of Anne Boleyn walks, they declare
Poor Anne Boleyn was once King Henry's wife,
Until he made the headsman bob her hair
Ah, yes, he did her wrong long years ago
And she comes out at night to tell him so....

Chorus
With her head, tucked, underneath her arm,
She walks the bloody tower
With her head, tucked, underneath her arm
At the midnight hour

She's come to haunt King Henry,
She means giving him what for
Gadzooks, she's going to tell him off
For spilling all her gore,
And just in case the headsman wants to give her an encore
She has her head tucked underneath her arm

Chorus

Sometimes gay King Henry gives a spread
For all his Earls and churls a ghostly fun
The headsman carves the joint and cuts the bread
Til Anne Boleyn comes in to spoil the run
She holds her head up with a wild war hoop!
And Henry cries "Don't drop it in the soup!"

Chorus

One night she found King Henry, He was in the Canteen Bar
Said he "Are you Jane Seymore, Anne Boleyn, or Katherine Parr?
How the sweet St. Parian do I know who you are?
With your head tucked underneath your arm?"

Chorus

Back to top
The Archer's Lament

by Yitzhak ibn Yoshua
filk: Greensleeves

I am an archer without peer,
My arrows faithfully find their mark
But when I beckon a comely lass
She flies away like a skittish lark.

Oh, lonely shall I spend my days.
Never to find my true love.
Fighters always get the girls
And leave nothing for us but the crumbs.

My aim is true with a lady love
From twenty yards, my shaft hits the spot
While fighters flail 'round with hunks of steel
To compensate for what they've not got.

My skin is softer than purest silk
My body free of disfigurement.
So why do ladies near and far
Seek victims of dismemberment?

I've killed ten score of the bravest men
With arrows right between their eyes.
But let a swordsman come in the room
And all of the ladies will let out sighs.

My skill in archery is my life
But ladies fair I have never scored.
So I've put for sale my finest bow,
And bought a big bloody bastard sword.

Back to top
Armorer of Meridies

©1999 by Lord Stephen of Forth Castle (Website)
mka Stephen Sheldon

I swing my might hammer,
I hear the anvil ring.
I stoke the fire higher,
Red as the dragon's wing.
I forge both gold and silver,
A many a Kingdom day.
Oh, it brings me pride to strike that iron
As an armourer of Meridies.

I swing no blade of glory,
The battle is not for me.
Though many a blade's passed through my hands
To bring us victory.
Our troops go forth my blades in hand
My steel they use to slay.
Oh, it brings me pride to strike that iron
As an armourer of Meridies.

Coats of plates and rings of mail
I give away for free.
For there is no coin in all the land
That you could give to me
To match the thrill of a warrior's skill
As in my armour he plays.
Oh, it brings me pride to strike that iron
As an armourer of Meridies.

 Look out across the field,
Out in the rising sun.
A sea of shining steel,
A battle to be won.
Though they may try their blows won't land,
And we will win the day,
Oh, it brings me pride to strike that iron
As an armourer of Meridies.

(slower)
Some day I won't be able to raise my hammer anymore.
For years come fast and take a toll,
As battles in a war.
But as I leave this world behind,
My tombstone it will say:
Oh, I was proud to strike that iron
As an armourer of Meridies.

(faster)
I swing my might hammer,
I hear the anvil ring.
I stoke the fire higher,
Red as the dragon's wing.
I forge both gold and silver,
A many a Kingdom day.
Oh, it brings me pride to strike that iron
As an armourer of Meridies.

Back to top
Artan's Toy

by Ceara ni Neill
mka Alexandria Long
filk: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Good Lord Artan MacDarach
Had a very big ego
And if you ever saw him,
He would say that he had grown!

He liked to build big toys,
So he built a trebusche.
Thought he could hurl some TP
When he brought it out to play.

Then one winter solstice eve
Lord Stephen set us right.
"Lord Artan let that TP fly,
It hit my helm and was not light!"

Then all the fighters cheered him,
And we shouted out with glee.
"Well," said Artan MacDarach,
"That's medieval history."

Back to top
Auchindoon

traditional

As I came 'pon Finnachside, all on a May morning
I saw Willie McIntosh, as the cocks were crowing.

Chorus 1
Turn ye McIntosh, turn again I bid thee
If you burn Auchindoon, Huntley he will head thee
Head me or hang me, that well ne're frighten me
I''ll burn Auchindoon, e're my life shall leave me.

As I came 'pon Auchindoon, all on a May morning
Auchindoon was burning, as the cocks were crowing.

Chorus 2
Burning, burning, Auchindoon was burning
For Huntley had killed Murrey all on a May morning
Head me or hang me, that will ne're frighten me
I'll burn Auchindoon, e're my life shall leave me.

As I came 'pon Cairn Coon, all on a May morning
I saw Willie McIntosh, amidst the town a burning.

Chorus 2 (slower)

Bonnie Willie McIntosh, where have ye left your fine young men?
I've left them down at Stapley Gate and they will ne're come home again.

Chorus 1

Back to top
The Ballad of Sir Charlie

by Sir Cipriano d'Alvarez
mka Guy Bradley
filk: The Man Who Never Returned

Let me tell you the story 'bout a man named Charlie
How he signed his life away
He put ten bucks in the mail, sent it off to California
And he joined the SCA.

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
He may wait forever for his first newsletter
He's the man who never returned.

His first event was down in Trimaris
Oh perhaps it was Aphar
All the lords and ladies and the knights and squires
Said, "That man, he's gonna go far."

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
He said, "This is the life, so goodbye to my wife."
He's the man who never returned.

His next event was called Red Tower
Where he earned his battle star
Well he cleared the field of ev'ry contender
And he wasn't even breathing hard.

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
Now he's driving 'cross the land, looking for some more rattan.
He's the man who never returned.

His third event was at Iron Mountain
And there he became a Lord
And before he knew, he was a squire too
By the virtue of his sword.

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
All the time remaining he spends in training;
He's the man who never returned.

By number four he had earned even more
He had his own Barony
He was now known as Captain Baron Squire Lord Charlie
OVO and OGB

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
He found the hardest fighting was reports that needed writing
He's the man who never returned.

 By number five it came as no surprise
When Charlie became a knight
With seventeen ladies hanging onto his collar
It was also an eventful night.

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
With seventeen ladies in a two man cabin
He's the man who never returned.

His sixth event was at Bryn Madoc
At the Collegium
Well before he left he was handed a Laurel
Earl Marshall and a Pelican.

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
He could spend twenty years just in meeting with the peers
He's the man who never returned.

Sir Charlie said, "I've won ev'ry honor
I've earned most everything
Crown List is tomorrow down in White Buck Forest
Guess I'll try my hand at King."

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
He may drive forever looking for Jesup, Gorgia.
He's the man who never returned.

The field down in Jesup was wet and was marshy
And there Charlie met his end
The last we could spy was his sword held high
As he sank beneath the fen.

Oh will he ever return, oh no he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned
He may fight forever in the swamps of Jesup.
He's the man who never returned.

He may fight forever in the swamps of Jesup.
He's the man who never returned.

Back to top
The Ballad of Sleep Wars

by Sir Cipriano d'Alvarez
mka Guy L. Bradley

Sir John and Mistress Rondellynn
Had gaid themselves to bed
When on a sudden came a call
What made him raise his head

"What noise is this', the wee knight cried
'That breaks our late repose
Be he man or beast or evil wight
I swear I'll have his nose!"

In desperation came a voice
O'er distance great and far,
"Upon thy honor, tell me true
Is the king there where ye are?"

"Hold hard sir," cried the noble knight
"And speak thy name to me
For, baseborn knave, I grieve to say
Thou hast interrupted me."

"If thou had waited seconds more
The deed it would be done
A nonce is all that 'tis required
For me to have my fun."

"By holy water, sir," he cried,
"Thou art no friend of mine.
He who would do such evil deed
Is not a man, but swine!"

"Sir John I fear thou goes too far"
The voice from distance cried.
"Sir Robert of Hightower is
The name by which I bide."

"Sir Robert of Hightower, then,
Woulds't thou explain to me
Why thou dids't think to find the King
Between my wife and me?"

"Name not your pleasures now to me
I'll trouble thee no more.
The King is he who I do seek;
Continue as before."

Sir John he went before the king:
"A grievous wrong is done.
That man from Iron Mountain did
Awaken us at one."

"Be of good cheer," Orlando said.
"Thou'll have thy pound of flesh."
His wife just smiled quietly
For a change it would be fresh.

Sir Robert, he went urgently
To the Baron in his hall
"O aid me now, for I do fear
That war's upon us all."

The Iron Baron took his maps
And said, "Ah, here's the key."
"The first man e'er in Southdowns fair
Was from my Barony."

Then on that cold November day
When the Crown Prince was declared
The Baron he approached the throne
And the map of the kingdom bared.

"Lord King, " the Baron pointed out,
"As thou can plainly see,
By Ulrich's fame, I do proclaim
Southdowns belongs to me."

"So justice now I ask of thee
For I shall have my rights;
If Southdowns is not given me
There shall be cause to fight."

"O foul, O foul!" Sir John did cry
"You claim there's cause for war
If thou wilt hear my earnest plea
I'll tell thee even more."

"Speak up, good knight", Orlando said
For he knew what would come
And so Sir John he told his tale
Of that eldritch call at one.

The Baron then confronted John,
"O tell thy tale no more.
Thy petty sleep is not concern
For us to fight a war."

The up spoke Mistress Rondallynn
For she was filled with ire
'Twas not our sleep that was disturbed,
For we had not retired!"

Then was the Crown Prince heard to say
In a voice both deep and thick
"Whoever interrupted you
Must have been ungodly quick."

O'er the bench Sir John did bound
At the Prince's throat he went.
And if he could, he thought he would
There make a bloody rent.

"Hold fast, good knights," Orlando cried
"No blood shall fill my hall.
'Tis matter I shall settle now
To satisfy us all."

"Usurper, tyrant, fey and mad
Are names which I've been called
I now decree to Southdown's lords,
Iron Mountain shall be sold."

Up to the roof the cries did ring,
And these cries called for war.
And so the battle plans were drawn
For the month we number four.

So warriors, shine thine armor bright
And sharpen up thy swords,
For on this day shall come the fray
Which we do call Sleep Wars!

Back to top
Beowolf

(the childrens' version)
by Rathfled DuNoir,
the Black Bard of Meridies (Website)

See Grendel. See Grendel eat. Eat, Grendel, eat.
Grendel is eating a few Danish for breakfast.
Grendel especially likes the ones with the yellow coating on top.
This is good because there are many of them.
Yummy!

See Hrothgar. He is sad. Sad, sad, sad.
His warriors are leaving.
They are sad because Grendel has eaten many of their friends.
They do not want to play with Grendel anymore because Grendel is mean.
Hrothgar is also sad because his food is almost gone.
Grendel eats the cows and pigs and horsies, too.
Grendel is very hungry.
Eat, Grendel, eat.

Hrothgar is also sad because his wife sill not stop complaining.
Whine, wife, whine.
Hrothgar has tried to stop listening to her for three days now.
Drink, Hrothgar, drink. Hrothgar is almost out of mead.
Poor Hrothgar.

O see Beowulf.
He is big and strong and handsome.
He has long Viking braids and pointy horns on his hat and a really big sword.
Ooh, Beowulf, ooh!
He is sailing to Denmark to visit Hrothgar.
Sail, Beowulf, sail.
He does not know that Hrothgar is almost out of mead.
Poor Beowulf.
Beowulf likes to sail. Beowulf likes to drink even more.
Poor Beowulf.

When he gets to Denmark, there is enough mead left for one feast.
Poor Beowulf. Poor Hrothgar.
Poor Warriors. Poor Grendel.
Beowulf is very mad. Mad, mad, mad.
Beowulf vows to slay Grendel.
Vow, Beowulf, vow.
He promises to do many great feats.
He swears to return with Grendel's head.
Drink, Beowulf, drink.

Beowulf is lying very still.
Is he waiting to surprise Grendel? No, he is not waiting to surprise Grendel.
Is he meditating? No, he is not meditating.
Is he practicing an Arcane magical ritual involving a lawn chair, six milk bottles and a tuning fork?
No, he is unconscious.
Won't he be surprised when he wakes up and they tell him about his promises?
Won't he be happy to know that he has a quest?
Won't he feel grand when the warriors cheer him?
No, Beowulf will not feel grand for a while. He has a headache.
Poor Beowulf. Please stop cheering, warriors.

O see the castle. It is very quiet.
Is it quiet because everyone is afraid of Grendel?
No, it is not quiet because everyone is afraid of Grendel.
Is it quiet because everyone is afraid of Beowulf?
Yes, it is quiet because everyone is afraid of Beowulf.
Beowulf has had a very bad headache for three days.
Last night, Beowulf's head hurt so much that he was very mad.
Mad, mad, mad.
Grendel came over to play and made too much noise. Beowulf was very upset.
Beowulf was so upset that he ripped Grendel's arm off and hung it over the door.
Poor Grendel. Poor warriors.
Smile at Beowulf. Just do it quietly.

O see the feast hall.
It is bright and cheery.
There is food on the tables and mead in the horns and a great big arm over the door.
They are singing and laughing and drinking.
Are they happy that Grendel is dead? Yes, they are happy that Grendel is dead.
Are they happy that they can laugh and sing and play again?
Yes, they are happy that they can laugh and sing and play again.
But most of all they are happy that there is more mead.
Drink, Beowulf, drink.

O see Hrothgar. He is happy.
Happy, happy, happy.
Is he happy that Grendel is dead? Is he happy that there is more mead?
Yes, but he is mostly happy because his wife has stopped complaining.
Smile, Hrothgar, smile.

O see Grendel's mother. She is sad. Sad, sad, sad. Is she sad because Grendel is gone?
Is she sad because her other children never call?
Is she sad because the Angels are losing again?
Yes, she is sad because of all these things.
But she is mostly sad because she won't get any more mother's day presents.
This makes her mad.
Mad, mad, mad.

She gets so mad that she decides to have some Danish for dessert. That is silly.
Everyone knows that you are supposed to have Danish for breakfast.
Silly, silly, silly.
In fact it is so silly that we think that Grendel's mother may have had something besides food for dinner.
We think that Grendel's mother may have been drinking.
Just like Beowulf.

O see Beowulf.
Now that there is mead again he is drinking some more.
Drink, Beowulf, drink.
When Grendel's mother comes to the feast, Beowulf has already drunk quite a bit.
So has Grendel's mother.
He thinks she is the most beautiful woman in the world and makes a pass at her.
Pass, Beowulf, pass.
She is caught off guard and says no.
Tease, monster, tease.

Beowulf tries again.
She leaves and he goes home with her.
Grendel's mother was never heard from again.
Beowulf was very quiet about the whole situation.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.

The End.
Back to top
The SCA Happy Birthday Song,

otherwise known as the Birthday Dirge
filk: The Volga Boatmen

Chorus after every verse: Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Happy Birthday! (UHH!)

1. Death and gloom and black despair
People dying everywhere

2. May the candles on your cake
Burn like cities in your wake

3. Fear and gloom and darkness yet
No one found out you know what

4. You're a period cook, its true
Ask the beetles in the stew

5. Now your jail-bait days are done
Let's go out and have some fun!

6. Were I sitting in your shoes
I'd go out and sing the blues

7. Now you've lived another year
Age to you is like stale beer

8. Long ago your hair turned grey
Now it's falling out, they say

9. Indigestion's what you get
From the enemies you 'et

10. This one lesson you must learn
FIRST you pillage, THEN you burn

11. While you eat your birthday stew
We will sack a town for you

12. Death will come before the dawn
Now's the time to party on!

13. Rape the horses while they sleep,
See the women wail and weep

14. Your ship of fortune arrives at last
Plague death flag nailed to its mast

15. You hear the patter of small feet
Midget thieves have robbed your keep

16. Your daughter's face could crack a mirror
Your firstborn son is acting queer

17. Burn the castle, storm the keep
Kill the women but save the sheep!

18. May your deeds with sheep and yaks
Equal those with sword and axe

19. Your servants steal, your wife's untrue
Your children plot to murder you

20. They stole your gold, your sword, your house
They stole your sheep, but not your spouse

21. So another year has passed
Don't look now they're gaining fast!

22. The Black Death has struck your town
You yourself feel quite run-down

 23. We brought you linen, white as clouds
Now we'll sit and sew your shroud!

24. So far death you have bypassed
Don't look back it's gaining fast

25. I'm a leper, can't you see
Have a birthday kiss from me

26. Burn, then rape by firelight
Add romance to life tonight!

27. Now you've lived another year,
And your death is drawing near.

28. Raise your cup of bitter cheer,
Make the barman eat his ear

29. We like children, yes we do
Baked or broiled or in a stew.

30. Famine, fear, and fire and flood,
Can't keep your face out of the mud.

31. News that fills our hearts with fear:
They've proved cancer's caused by beer

32. Just be glad the friends you've got
Haven't found out you-know-what!

33. Birthdays come but once a year
Marking time as Death draws near

34. Now you've reached the age you are
Your demise cannot be far

35. Like the wrinkles in your lace
Time is etched upon your face

36. When you've reached your age you know
That the mind is first to go

37. Now you've lived another year
And your death is drawing near

38. It's your birthday; never fear;
You'll be dead this time next year

39. Children dying everywhere
Women crying in despair

40. Typhoid, plague and polio
Coffins lined up in a row

41. May the children in the street
Be your barbequeing meat

42. Your friends are here, your enemies too,
We just don't know who is who....

43. May the women that you see
Not have sense enough to flee

Back to top
Bjorn, the Viking

by Eogan Og MacLaren
filk: Ramblin' Man by The Allman Brothers

My father raided all the shores of England
He wound up on the wrong end of a sheep
I was born in the stern of a longboat
Rolling on the waves of the North Sea.

Chorus
Thor, I am Bjorn, the Viking Man
I try to make a living by raiding where I can
So when your homes are burning I hope you understand
That I am Bjorn the Viking Man.

I'm sailing towards some foreign shore this morning
It doesn't really matter where I land
I'll steal their gold and burn their homes no matter who they are
Rape each girl and murder every man.

Chorus

I'm plundering a coastal town in Iceland
And drinking mead til I can drink no more
I'll sing along with a battle song between every mug
My belly full and my arms around a whore.

Chorus

Well someday I'll wind up in Valhalla
When in battle I am overcome
But until that day I'll sail away to rape, burn, and plunder
So all you puny weaklings better run!

Chorus (ad nauseaum)

Back to top
Black Widows in the Privy

by Heather Rose Jones

Everyone knows someone we'd be better off without
But best not mention names for we know not who's about.
But why commit a murder and risk the fires of hell
When black widows in the privy can do it just as well.

Now poison's good, and daggers, and arrows in the back
And if you're really desperate you can try a front attack.
But are they really worth the risk of being caught
When black widows in the privy need not be bribed or bought?

So if there's one of whom wish most simply to be rid
Just wait 'til dark then point the way to where the widows hid
And say to them "I think you'll find that this one is the best",
And black widows in the privy will gladly do the rest.

Back to top
Blood Oath

by Conn MacNeill

Chorus
Preachain, Preachain, for Clanne and for kinsmen,
Preachain, Preachain, to battle we go
Preachain, Preachain, for spears colored crimson,
Preachain, Preachain, it's blood for the oath!

There's a Clanne of bold temper, they're wild-eyed and clever,
Their war-yell a death-knell for many a foe.
The Morrigan's hammer, their song joyful clamor,
They're oath-bound for sword-ground to keep a grim oath.

Now the Senachal's spoken of a time long forgotten,
When word-sign was tongue-plied by beats as by man,
When the corn that they'd hoped for lay blighted and broken,
And the Crow-king on coal-wing came swift to the Clanne.

Chorus

We'll no corn be taking, if to join in oath-making,
You sword-swear no work-snare is set for the Crow.
It's battle we're needing, on flesh and blood feeding,
And red-gold to the sword-bold and their kinsmen will flow.

In these words was wisdom, they bound themselves in them,
A crow-sign or the war-line a token of faith.
They armed and took hire, employed sword and fire,
Took war-gear, gained word-fear and swept all away.

Chorus

From that time to this time, as spoken in fair rhyme,
Preachain and the crow-band keep the unbroken oath,
If you've stomach for warring than heed well my warning
To the sword-bold give the war-gold or your flesh to the Crow!

There's a Clanne of bold temper, they're wild-eyed and clever,
Their war-yell a death-knell for many a foe.
The Morrigan's hammer, their song joyful clamor,
They're oath-bound for sword-ground to keep a grim oath.

Chorus

Back to top
Bonny Mary of Argyle

traditional

I have heard the mavis singing his love song to the morn
I have seen the dew-drop clinging to the rose just newly born
But a sweeter song has cheer'd me at the evening's gentle close
And I've seen an eye still brighter than the dew drop on the rose
'Twas thy voice my gentle Mary and thine artless winning smile
That made the world an Eden, Bonny Mary of Argyle.

Though thy voice may lose its sweetness and thine eye its brightness too
Though thy step may lack its fleetness and thy hair its sunny hue
Still to me wilt thou be dearer than all the world shall won.
I have loved thee for thy beauty but not for that alone.
I have sought thy heart, dear Mary, and its goodness was the wile
That has made thee mine forever, Bonny Mary of Argyle.

Back to top
The Border Lament

traditional

My love he built me a bonnie bower
And clad it quite with lily flower
A lovlier bower you never did see,
Than my true love he built for me.

There came a man my middle day
He spied his sport, and went away
And brought the king that very night
Who broke my bower and slew my knight.

He slew my knight, to me so dear
He slew my knight and pined his gear
The servants all for life did flee
And left me in extremetie.

I took his body on my back
And while I went and while I convened
I dug a grave and laid him in
And sheltered him with the sod so green.

Back to top
The Brisk Young Butcher

Its of a brisk young butcher as I have heard them say
He started out of London town all on a certain day
Says he, "A frolic I will have my fortune for to try
I will go into Liestershire some cattle for to buy."

When he arrived at Leister town he stopped into an inn
He called forth a hosteler and boldly he walked in
He called for liquors of the best and being a rambling blade
He quickly fixed his eyes upon the lovely chambermaid.

Then she took up a candle to light him up to bed
And when she came into the room these words to her he said
"One sovereign I'll give to you all to enjoy your charms."
And this fair maid all night did sleep all in the butcher's arms.

'Twas early the next morning he arose to go away
The landlord said, "Beg pardon, Sir, You have forgot to pay."
"Oh, no," the butcher did reply, "Pray do not think it strange
One sovereign I gave you maid, and I haven't got the change."

They straightway called the chambermaid and charged her with the same
The golden sovereign she lay down for fear she'd get the blame
The butcher he again went home well pleased with what was past
And soon this pretty chambermaid grew thick about the waist.

'Twas in a twelvemonth after he came to town again
And then as he had done before he stopped at that same inn
'Twas then the buxom chambermaid she chanced him for to see
She brought a babe just three months old and placed him on his knee.

The butcher sat like one amazed and at the child did stare
But when the joke he did fine out how he did stamp and swear
She said, "Kind Sir it is your own, pray do not think it strange
One sovereign you gave to me and here I've brought your change."

Back to top
Cabin in the Woods

by Sir Cipriano d'Alvarez
mka Guy L. Bradley

When I first joined the SCA about three years ago
I used to travel 'round everywhere every weekend or so.
My classes always made me late, I had to sleep where I could
And so it seemed I was always assigned to a cabin off in the woods.

Chorus
There were fourteen ladies and fourteen lords in sleeping bags on the floor.
There were three outside and four on the roof and one in a sling by the door.
There were ten kite shields and four hound dogs. We'd've fit five more if we could
Didn't get much sleep but we had a lot of fun in that cabin off in the woods.

I guess I really can't complain; I guess it's not that bad.
Everybody's got a tale to tell 'bout a cabin they once had
Like the lady who slept by the door who made our grumbling stop
"No matter how cramped you lords may be, at least you'll be on top!"

Chorus

Now six kings have come and gone, the autocrats know my name.
A heated cabin right by the hall, I know how to play that game.
But things seem so much different now. We don't have the fun that we should.
I'd trade that heater and my fold-up cot for that cabin off in the woods.

Chorus

Back to top
Calling on Song

Good people, pray heed our petition
Your attention we beg and we crave
And if you are inclined for to listen
And abundance of pastime we'll have.

We are come to relate many stories
Concerning our forefather's times
And we trust they will drive out your worries
Of this we are all in one mind.

Many tales of the poor and the gentry
Of labor and love will arise
There are no finer songs in this country
In Scotland and Ireland likewise.

There's one thing more needing mention
The dances we've danced all in fun
So now that you've heard our intention
We'll play on the beat of the drum.

Back to top
Carlough

traditional

Bruce McTaggart, hold your face
Brooding over the old disgrace
That black FitzWilliam's stormed yer place,
Drove you to the fens!
Grey said, "Vicar, leave assured.
Soon the fire-byrne we'll secure."
Until he met at Glen Malure
With Feach MacHugh O'Burne!

Chorus

Curse and swear, Lord Kildare!
Feach will do as Feach will dare!
Now, Fits William have a care
Fallen is your star, lo!
Up with halberd, out with sword!
On we go, for by the Lord
Feach MacHugh has given the word:
"Follow me up to Carlough!"

See the swords at Glen Amough:
They're flashin' over the English Pale
See all the children of the Gael
Beneath O'Burne's banner!
Rooster of a fightin' stock
Would you let a Saxon cock
Crow out upon an Irish rock?
Fly up and teach him manners!

Chorus

From Tassangart to Claymore
There flows a stream of Saxon gore
We're great as Rory Og O'more
At sendin' the lions to Hades!
White is sick, Grey is fled,
Now for black FitzWilliam's head!
We'll send it over drippin' red
To Queen Liza and her ladies!

Chorus

Back to top
Celtic Ring of Fire

by "Those Wacky Dahlradians"
filk: Ring of Fire, tune originally recorded by Johnny Cash

When Caesar came to Albion
He vowed to conquer all he saw.
We drove old Caesar form our shore
The legions muttered, "Nevermore!"

Chorus
He fell down into a Celtic ring of fire
He went down, down, down, but the flames leapt higher!
And he burned, burned burned, that Roman tyrant,
That Roman tyrant!

A Roman in a wickerman
Scrams like only Romans can
We danced around his funeral pyre
We gave him to the God of Fire!

Chorus

When smashing down the walls of Rome
Brennus drove his lesson home!
"Woe to the vanquished" was his word!
Upon the scales, he threw his sword.

Chorus

When Boudicca did lead the clannes
They slaughtered Romans in the glens
She chose to die upon her feet
Than live like Romans on their knees!

Chorus

Back to top
The Chastity Belt

O say, gentle maiden, may I be your lover?
Condemn me no longer to mourn and to weep!
Cut down like a hart, I lie wounded and fainting
Let down your drawbridge, I'll enter your keep.

Enter your keep, nonny, nonny
Enter your keep, nonny, nonny
Let down your drawbridge, I'll enter your keep.

Alas, gentle errant, I am not a maiden.
He's caged me in armor, that cunning old Celt!
He's off to the wars for a twelve-month or longer
And taken the key to my chastity belt.

Taken the key, nonny, nonny
Taken the key, nonny, nonny
And taken the key to my chastity belt.

Fear not, gentle maiden, for I know a locksmith
To his forge we will go, at his door we will knock.
To try and avail of his specialized knowledge
And see if he's able to unpick your lock.

Unpick your lock, nonny, nonny
Unpick your lock, nonny, nonny
And see if he's able to unpick your lock.

"Alas, Sir and Madame, to help I'm unable.
My technical knowledge is of no avail.
I can't find the secret of your combination;
The cunning old bastard has fitted a Yale!

Fitted a Yale, nonny, nonny
Fitted a Yale, nonny, nonny
The cunning old bastard has fitted a Yale!

The knight's squire returned with sad news of disaster.
"A terrible mishap I have to confide:
As our ship was passing the Straits of Gibraltar
The knight and the key, they went over the side.

Over the side, nonny, nonny
Over the side, nonny, nonny
The knight and the key, they went over the side."

Alas and Alack! I am locked up forever!
But up spoke a blacksmith, saying "Leave it to me."
"'Twas I forged your belt, I forged the key also
And as a precaution I've copies made three:
One for his Lordship, one for the High Priest
But only one fits and I kept that for me.

Kept that for me, nonny, nonny
Kept that for me, nonny, nonny
But only one fits and I kept that for me.

Back to top
The Chortle

by Gunnar Redbeard
©1988 by R.A. Boyd

Twas the morning after the night before a scene sublime and rare.
Wherever I looked in corner and nook lay bodies everywhere!
The noble, the meek, the Baron and all lay huddled on the floor
With a chorus of moans and sighs and groans as if we'd lost a war!

I feel no disgrace to follow my tastes amid the feast and cheer.
Nor does it distract to scoff at the fact I touch not wine nor beer.
I sip on my Coke and laugh at their jokes, the butt of fun to some,
And angered not as they fell down besot; the dawn has yet to come!

The morning begins, the night's jovial friends wallow in their sorrow.
And I bid each one a hearty "Good Morn!" (I'll hate myself tomorrow!)
I am avenged as they stumble and cringe in agony sublime.
Twas the morning after the night before and my head feels just fine!

Back to top
Circles

By Gwen Zak
Filk: Windmills

In days gone by, when the world was much younger
Men wondered at spring, born of winter's cold strife
Wondered at the games of the moon and the Sunlight,
They saw there the Lady and Lord of all life.

Chorus
And around and around and around turns the good Earth
All things must change as the seasons go by
We are the children of the Lord and the Lady
Whose mysteries we know, but we'll never know why.

In all lands the people were tied with the good Earth
Plowing and sowing as the seasons declared
Waiting to reap of the rich golden harvest
Knowing her laugh in the joys that they shared.

Chorus

Through Flanders and Wales and the green land of Ireland
In kingdoms of England and Scotland and Spain
Circles grew up all along the wild coastline
And worked for the land with the sun and the rain.

Chorus

Circles for healing and working the weather
Circles for knowing the Moon and the Sun
Circles for thanking the Lord and the Lady
Circles for dancing the dance never done.

Chorus

And we who reach for the stars in the heavens
Turning our eyes from the meadows and groves
Still live in the love of the Lord and the Lady
The greater the Circle, the more the love grows.

Chorus
Chorus

Back to top
Closer to Daylight

by Ceara ni Neill, ©1999
filk: Closer to Eleven by Lyra and Rael of Preachain
filk: Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls

We traveled to the Fool's War of Meridies
With many bottles of good brew
And the meat of Ailsun's deer
Pop Chiv said the party would be a big one.
So we set out with our mugs to have much fun
This was war practice, after all.
Yeah..right.

Into our camp came friends from the Consortium.
With good songs & good cheer within their hearts
Then the Period Police appeared to wreck our campin'
But Lord Uilleagh chased them off with his "O Narseman"
He is Spearcatcher, after all.

Chorus
We started at our camp
And moved on to their camp
And everywhere we reveled
We raised the noise level
And the more I think about it and look back in time,
I wish that I had brought more wine.
And I must keep an eye on the time,
The closer it gets to daylight.
The closer it gets to daylight.

I need to seek the Herald of Meridies
And bring to Baron Hywel my tales of woe
I tried to get my name passed
And sent in my device
They get shot down with comments that are not nice
But it's only paper after all.
And I must submit it til I get it right,
The closer it gets to daylight.

Sir Bryce stumbled by the fire at 3 am
To seek solace in Drambouie and to drum with some good friends
A dancer lost a tassel, it got stuck in Gryffri's ear
I went over to him and said, "Have a beer,
Hips do project things after all."

Chorus

Lord Malcolm and Sir Theatyn soon joined us
Sir Fiachna told us legends of the Yam.
Someone said "potato",
Then he said "po-tah-to".
And then the knight caught Malcolm drinking beer,
So he bade us all goodnight.


Chorus

Back to top
Cois na Teineadh

by T.W. Rolleston

Where glows the Irish hearth with peat
There lives a subtle spell...
The faint blue smoke, the gentle heat,
The moorland odours tell

Of white roads winking by the edge
Of bare, untamed land,
Where dry stone wall of ragged hedge
Runs wide on either hand.

To cottage lights that lure you in
From rainy Western skies;
And by the friendly glow within
Of simple talk, and wise,

And tales of magic, love or arms
From days when princes met
Too listen to the lay that charms
The Connacht peasant yet,

There honour shines though passions dire,
There beauty blends with mirth--
Wild hearts, ye never did aspire
Wholly for things of earth!

Cold, cold this thousand years-- yet still
On many a time-stained page
Your pride, your truth, your dauntless will,
Burn on from age to age,

And still around the fires of peat
Live on the ancient days;
There still do living lips repeat
The old and deathless days.

And when the wavering wreaths ascend
Blue in the evening air,
The soul of Ireland seems to bend
Above her children there.

Back to top
Come, Follow, Follow

by John Hilton, 1596-1657

Come, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow, follow me.
Whither shall I follow, follow, follow,
Whither shall I follow, follow thee?
To the greenwood, greenwood tree.

Back to top
Come Share the Dream

Lyrics by Sieglinde Syr
Music by Sieglinde Syr and Iolo Fits Owen

Listen! The laurel branches sing,
The wind gives life thus to the song.
Knighthood's flower breathes once more,
Born and bloomed a-maying.

And on a spring wind it has flown
From sea to sea these twenty years
Seedlings of the dream have sown
Ten, to the fullest glory grown.

We who are here have heard
The voice calling from bygone days
"Come share the dream, come live the legends,
Relearn the ancient ways."

Chorus
Come, share the dream, come hold it in your hands
As it might once have been
Come live the legends that will never die
Through us they live again.

Reaching through time, their touch is real
Upon the road of glory anon
Side by side we ride with kings
Bards shall sing our stories

Tales are remembered skills not lost
As it once was it shall be again
And through us our children will know
Of the greatness long ago.

Each springs rebirth shall be the time
When time its pace would sow
And for a moment take us once more
Into the days of yore.

Chorus

Those who began it here join hands
With those for whom the magic is new
And cast its spell a siren's song
Calls us all to follow.

Heed it we will and follow still ideals
Born of fire and sword
Born these twenty years ago
Where mist and wind the laurels blow.

And to our shores and mountains
And plains carry the living dream
As it once was it has been again;
Chivalry lives, my friend.

Chorus
Chivalry lives, my friend.

Back to top
The Coming of Spring

by Lord Thomas Bordeaux

Give me a song, give me rhythm and rhyme
Find the warmth of the sun in the circle of time
Breathe new life to the trees from the heavens above
On the cries of an infant, on the wings of a dove.

Chorus
And we'll sing hallelujah, hallelujah
Oh for the coming of spring!
And we'll sing hallelujah, hallelujah
Oh for the coming of spring!

Fill the forest with laughter, the heavens with light
For a warm moonlit evening filled with lover's delight
Fill the fields with flowers in colors that please
For all the gods, children take comfort in these.

Chorus

Let the farmer's prepare all their fields to sow
Set the flocks out to pasture where the sweet clover grows
As the world makes it's turning in darkness and light
A new day waits beginning on the edge of the night.

Chorus

Take heart you good gentles and warriors so bold
Know that winter will end as is always foretold
Don't despair for the spring though it's winter's dark night
For it's spring in your hearts though it's winter outside.

Chorus
Chorus

Back to top
The Crafty Maid's Policy

author unknown

Come listen awhile and I'll sing you a song
Of three merry gentlemen riding along
They met a fair maid and to her did say
"We’re afraid this cold morning will do you some harm."

"Oh, no, kind sir," said the maid, "You’re mistaken
To think this cold morning will do me some harm.
There's one thing I crave which lies twixt your legs.
If you give me that, it will keep me warm."

Then since you do crave it, my dear, you shall have it
If you'll come with me to yonder green tree;
Then since you do crave it, my dear you shall have it
I'll make these two gentlemen witness to be.

So the gentleman lighted and straightway she mounted
And looking the gentleman hard in the face
Saying, "You knew not my meaning, you wrong understood me."
And away she went galloping down the long lane.

"Oh, gentlemen, lend me one of your horses
That I may ride after her down the long lane
If I overtake her, I' warrant I'll make her
Return unto me my own horse again."

But soon did this fair maid she saw him a-coming
She instantly then took a pistol in hand
Saying, "Doubt not my skill that you I would kill
I'll have you stand back or you are a dead man."

"Oh why do you spend you time here in talking?
Oh, why do you spend you time here in pain?
Come, give her a guinea, it's what she deserves
And I warrant she'll give you your horse back again."

"Oh, no, kind sir, you're badly mistaken
If this is his loss, well, this is my gain
And you were a witness that he gave it to me."
And away she went galloping down the long lane.

Back to top
Crusader's Song

By: Duke Conn McNeill

Chorus
I'm for the Holy Land sailing,
To win back Jerusalem's walls
I'm for the Holy Land sailing,
And I'll win my fortune or a martyr I'll fall.

As my ship sails out I watch the far coastline,
Leaving my kinsman my heart is full pained
I've traded all for the cross at my shoulder,
No land for a third son so I'm away

Chorus

As I look around me at the men on the benches,
Their eyes are like mine so I know their hearts pain
I sing them a song of bravery and battle,
Now their eyes shine like the keen polished blade

Chorus
We're for the Holy Land sailing,
To win back Jerusalem's walls
We're for the Holy Land sailing,
And we'll win our fortune or as martyrs we'll fall

I followed King Richard to Sicily island,
Joanna's dowry against Tancred prevailed
Now a fortune in silver, a new wife hath Richard,
I've a swift horse and a fine coat of maile

Chorus

At landfall in Cypress they refused Berengaria,
Richard in anger has answered in steel
Now the crown of Cypress he's added to England's,
I've added knighthood's gold spurs to my heels

Chorus

I followed the banner to battle at Targrin,
Held it aloft when it's bearer was slain
We've given Richard a tower o'er the city,
He's given me rank and a full captain's pay

Chorus

On the coastline at Tarsus we met with the Paynim,
We won the battle though many men fell
One was a baron with lands that need tending,
Now they are mine and I'll tend them well

Chorus

Now I sit in court over Christian and Muslim,
I've a strong keep and soldiers ten score
King Richard's army has sailed back to England,
I've said farewell for I'll see them nay more

You see
I'm in the Holy Land staying; to guard my own castle walls
I'm in the Holy Land staying, I've won my fortune so farewell to all.

Back to top
The Day the Table Died

filk: American Pie, by Don McClean

'Twas so long ago, but I still remember
How the legends used to make me smile...
And I knew given half a chance
I'd kill so many with my lance,
And maybe I'd be famous for a while.

So death and bloodshed I'd deliver,
With every arrow from my quiver.
All this bloody hassle,
Just to defend one castle!

I remember how he shed a tear
When he learned of Lance and Guenivere
And something touched me way down here,
The day the Table died.

Chorus
Hail, hail, to the fellas in mail!
Slaying dragons, saving damsels, chasing after the Grail.
We fought off evil, til our faces were pale
Wondering if there was a chance we might fail,
Could there be a chance we might fail?

Hast thou read the Book of Merlin,
With its stories that Sir Rod of Serling
Could have penned for the Twilight Zone?
Dost thou believe in legend'ry,
And all the tales of chivalry
Like the one about the Longsword and the Stone?

Well, Lancelot came from Par-ee
To serve in Arthur's calvary
He sweated off his tail, to wear the royal mail.
When Lance had won his confidence
He met Queen Guenivere by chance
And melted down his iron pants
The day the Table died.

For several years, Lance and the Queen
Had kept their meetings clandestine
Finding ways to be alone.
'Twas on a fateful summer's day
When Mordred found them in the hay
And the Frenchman knew his cover had been blown.

Arthur cried, "Swear by Excalibur,
That you truly did not lie with her!"
The notion was absurd.
Lance said not a word.

And so the knight, no longer chaste,
Unto his native soil he raced
Left Guenivere alone to face
The day the Table died.

Chorus

Convicted of a grave offense
By Mordred's damning evidence,
Guenivere was set to burn.
Arthur loathed his bastard son
For all his work had been undone
But he vowed the tables would be turned.

Having Lance arrive to save the day
He carried Guenivere away
The king was so relieved.
His true love was reprieved!

Then Guenivere became a nun
And Lancelot had no more fun
And Mordred soon was on the run
The day the Table died.

Chorus

I stand guard at this castle door,
Though Arthur reigns not anymore
Camelot's a memory.

It does my heart good to recall
The mighty kingdom's rise and fall
And the space it occupies in history.

The spirit of those days, it seems,
Continues only in our dreams
For there we can enjoy it;
Let no one dare destroy it!

One prophecy of days of yore
Says Arthur shall arise once more
To make all as it was before
The day the Table died.

Chorus
Chorus

Back to top
Do Virgins Taste Better

by R. Farran
filk: The Irish Washerwoman

A dragon has come to our village today.
We've asked him to leave, but he won't go away.
Now he's talked to our king and they worked our a deal:
No more homes will he burn and no crops will he steal.

Now there is but one catch, we dislike it a bunch:
Twice a year he invites him a virgin to lunch.
Well, we've no other choice, so the deal we'll respect,
But we can't help but wonder and pause to reflect:

Chorus
Do virgins taste better than those who are not?
Are they salty, or sweeter, more juicy or what?
Do you savor them slowly? Gulp them down on the spot?
Do virgins taste better than those who are not?

Now we'd like to be shed you, and many have tried
But no one can get though your thick, scaly hide.
We hope that some day, some brave knight will come by,
'Cause we can't wait around 'til you're too fat to fly.

Now you have such good taste in your women for sure,
They always are pretty, they always are pure.
But your notion of dining, it makes us all flinch
For your favorite entree is barbecued wench.

Chorus

Now we've found a solution, it works out so neat,
If you insist on nothing but virgins to eat.
No more will our number ever grow small,
We'll simply make sure there's no virgins at all!

Chorus

Back to top
Dragon Road

by Sir Cipriano d'Alvarez
mka Guy Bradley

It was on the first of August, out of Aronmerray,
Half a dozen horses and a wagon load of hay
There had been a party, hangovers galore
Our clerics were unconscious and our fighters saddle-sore.

Chorus
And there were dragons, dragons, flying o'er the road,
Wyverns all around us and behind us yellow mold
And there were orcses, orcses, filling all the wood
They all jumped upon us because we were lawful good.

We were not discouraged. We were set to fight
But we had drunk ten gallons of the finest mead that night!
Sir Morris was disheveled, Sir Percy was the same
And the elf who traveled with us was too drunk to know his name.

Chorus

The dragons got the horses, the orcs got even more
And chewing on our wagon was an ugly manticore.
We finally woke our wizard, he would make them pay
But he rally pulled a boner when he mumbled spells that day.

Chorus

His fireball misfired, his lightning missed the mark
And then the party found itself encased in total dark
He tried to polymorph them, that dirty ancient louse
And we did not think it funny when Sir Kay became a mouse.

Chorus

Our fighters bravely battled, but it was all for nought
'Cause we had not the measure of the monsters that we fought
T'was our bard who finally saved us, for he could do no wrong
And he really had them running when he belted out this song!

Chorus

Back to top
Duck Tape Documentation

by Ceara ni Neill
mka Alexandria Long

No one knows for certain the exact date that duck tape was invented, but archeological finds of Bronze-Age artifacts have proven that is has been around much longer than originally thought.

It is surmised that the early people of Gaul wove the sinews of ducks into long ribbons, which turned to a dull gray when cured. Sometimes the sinews were dyed with woad and woven into a plaid. One side was brushed with a sticky paste made from fish scales, producing the ancestor of our modern Duck Tape.

As it is today, Duck tape was used for everything and was as valuable and commonplace as ale or mead. So to those who would make use of this wonderful stuff, be ye not reluctant and rest your conscience. Of course it's period!

Back to top
Early Mournin' Dew

by Mary Taran of Glastobury
filk: Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Oh, your shield is hacked from many a blow,
I'm standing here, though you don't know,
I hate to wake you up to see you die.
But the shield wall is breaking, it's battered and torn,
The herald's calling , he's blowing his horn
Already I am mournin' for your hide.

Chorus
So wake up and fight for me,
Tell me that you'll die for me.
Hurry and get armored up and go.
You'll go out there and get slain.
I don't know if you will fight again.
Oh, my lord, you have to go.

There's so many times they've knocked you down,
So many times you've lost a round,
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing.
Every battered helm is worn by you.
Every mace they swing, they swing at you.
If you come back, I'll mend your chain mail rings.

Chorus

Now the time has come to wake you
One more time must I shake you
You soon will be deep within the fray.
Think about the days to come
While you go out there all alone,
About the time I won't have to say:

Chorus

Back to top
English Vice

By Mary Spencer
Filk: Edewiss (from "The Sound of Music")

English vice, English vice
Ropes and chains are my playthings
Nipple clips, canes and whips
Bring the pain that I beg for

Leather and latex are my delight
My delight and pleasure.
English vice, English vice
Whip and beat me forever!

Back to top
Faire Opening, Faire Closing

used at the California Renaissance Faire

Faire Opening

Awake! Awake! The day doth break
Good craftsmen open your stalls
come greet the light
Shake off the night
The faire is open to all!

 Faire Closing

Good craftsmen rest your weary voices
Put your wares away
Good travelers make your final choices
Come not the end of the day
As the daylight dies like a rose
The faire must come to a close
As the sun deserts the sky
We bid you good people good-bye.

Back to top
The Fairy’s Love Song

Chorus
Why should I sit and sigh
Pulling bracken, pulling bracken?
Why should I sit and sigh
On a hillside dreary?

When I see the plover* rising
Or the curfew* wheeling
Then I know my mortal lover
Back to me is stealing.

Chorus

Ah, but there is something wanting;
Oh but I am weary!
Come by, blithe and bonny laddie,
O’er the knoll to cheer me.

Chorus

*plover: a bird, related to the sandpiper.
*curfew: a bird, related to the woodcock.
Back to top
The Favor

by Ceara ni Neill
mka Alexandria Long
filk: Rossann nel Coir (recorded by Scartaglen)

Ireland's sun is shining today
But my heart does not bask in it's rays
For my lover has gone off to battle
And he carried the favor of fair Faye.

Promised he me never to leave,
But to steal his heart Faye did achieve
Now he leaves me, alone, to my own fate
Since for her my love he did betray.

Come they, come they, suitors aplenty;
I send, I send them away
For my lover, he's gone into battle,
Though he carried the favor of fair Faye.

Ireland's sun is shining today,
But my heart does not bask in its rays.
For my brothers have gone into battle
For to gain my honor thrown away.

And I went to the battlefield today
And from his belt, pulled the favor of fair Faye.

Back to top
Folk o' the Plaid

traditional

Ken ye the heart of the folk o' the plaid
Wonder as many of what they are made?
For they're hard as the highlands and cold as Loch Sloy
Scots hae a spirit tha' nay can destroy.

Chorus
And it's hey to the highlands, hello to the low
If ye leave a Scot breathin', he'll strike the last blow
As the English Chieftain so angrily knows,
A thistle bows not to the rose, a thistle bows not to the rose.

Born in the damp winds and raised in the hills
Those who reach manhood have iron-like wills
For the weavers and the rovers and the brigands, it's known
A Scotsman looks after his own, a Scotsman looks after his own.

Chorus

Now french ladies charm with their glances and sighs
But give me a lassie with fire in her eyes.
Aye, Scots girls are fiery, they're long, and they're lean,
Sharper of wit than a dirk it is keen.

Now lovin' the women's like juggling with knives;
Too many at once and they'll look to your lies.
Find ye but one lass and stay to her true
She'll fight at your back and share all that you do.

Chorus

Now some call us heartless and callous and cruel
But a Scot's a survivor and nobody's fool.
We've wagered though the ages of hardship and strife
Sometimes it takes a hard man to lead a hard life.

So we'll pipe 'til the blood sings, and we'll drink liquid fire
Watch where ye tread lest ye risk Scottish ire
Hark ye the words of the MacKintosh Clan
Touch not the cat without a gloved hand.

Chorus
Chorus

Back to top
Fop Hunt

by Lyra and Rael
filk: Moondance

It's a marvelous night for a fop hunt
All their lace in the moonlight will glow.
A fantabulous night to make fops run
Through the barbed wire fences so low.

And all their blood will be flowin'
When I sever their heads!
You know they won't be goin'
'Cause they'll be dead...oh, so dead!

Chorus
Can we just have one more fop hunt, Danu, tonight?
Can we just make some more fops run, Danu, tonight?

Well I wanna take heads with you tonight,
I can't wait for the mornin' to come.
And I know if I hold my spear just right,
Then straight into the point fops will run.

And all their spleens will be ruptured
And their entrails will flow
I'll slash their femoral arteries
Then they'll run really slow!

Chorus

Well I'm walkin' around with a fop's head
With his testicles shoved up his nose
And I know I'll complete my collection
With the rest of our buttery-butt foes

And every time I kill one
I just tremble and shake
You know it feels so good
To put their head on a stake!

Chorus

Back to top
The Forth Castle Chronicle

by Ceara ni Neill
mka Alexandria Long

Good day, miladies and milords, of this you may not know
A story of Forth Castle and some folks that you may know.
Aye, o'er the river and through the woods to Forth Castle we go
We'll fight all day with furniture and wear our funny clothes!

Chorus
Oh, fie diddley die and fie diddley dee
Oh come along, enjoy our southern hospitality!

The ladies they will bake all day, and sit and sew and knit
For gossip is a bardic art with no equivalent.
The men they boldly swagger 'round and boast of maidens laid,
Until their wives remind them that the children are up late.

The children they run rampant while Daddy's off at war
When he returns home weary, then they beat him with his sword.
Follow me now, if you will for if you'll come and see
We'll drink our ale and shout, "VIVAT! This 'tis the life for me!"

Chorus

Now listen to me carefully, I'll sing a little yarn.
Lest harm it should befall you come and meet me 'round the barn;
We'll rob you of your weapons, your horses and your gold
Let Donald tell his jokes to you for they are stale and old!
Lord Erich von dem Schwartzwald was a large and stately man
He'd breathe his charm and have the ladies eating from his hand.
Oh, Katherine was his Lady, a mistress of the feast.
She'd cook her little (ahem!) arse off with the vengeance of a beast!

Chorus

Lord Walter built our armory with knowledge of the mead
Damn him, he's gone! We can't brew 'nough to satisfy our need!
Lady Catriona was his wife, and oh, so sweet!
Since they've been gone they've landed in a Western Baron's seat.

Lady Bronwyn was a pretty lass, though perhaps too prone to lush
But wear ye not a kilt near her for she is sure to blush!
And Chrys would be a ladies'man, but we are not to know:
When faced with woman and a book, the wench was first to go!

Chorus

Another asset of our shire is fine Lord Perigryne.
Twas he the first of ours to squire-- you should have seen him grin!
His Lady, wife Dennet she wrapped the belt around his girth.
That day a hundred cannons could not bring him down to Earth!

And Lord Artan MacDarragh is a mighty man to fold.
He'll welcome kilt checks frequently, then blame it on the cold.
'Tis all the story that I know; I'm sure there's more to tell,
But if you want to know more you must partake of our ale.

Chorus

Aye, come along with me, I say, I trow you'll not forget
The wondrous time you've had with us
(Though you may not admit!)
But if you are disgusted and you can take no more,
Ne'er mind us, for we're drunk again and lying on the floor!

Chorus

Aye, drink with us and nurture with our grain vitality!

Back to top
Four Blind Mice

Four blind mice are dead
Four blind mice are dead
See how they lie
See how they lie
Four dead bodies on the ground
Four dead bodies on the ground
Poor dead mice
Poor dead mice

Back to top
Four Drunken Maidens

traditional English

There were three drunken maidens, come from the Isle of Wight
They drunk from Monday morning non-stop 'til Saturday night
When Saturday night came 'round me boys, they would not then go out
These three drunken maidens, they pushed the jug about.

Then up come handsome Sally, her cheeks as red as bloom
Move up me jolly sisters, and give young Sally room!
For I'll be your equal before we ten go out
These four drunken maidens they pushed the jug about.

There's woodcock and pheasant, there's partridge and hare.
There's all sorts of dainties, no scarcity was there.
There's forty quarts of beer me boys, they fairly drunk them out
These four drunken maidens, they pushed the jug about.

Then up come the landlord, he's asking for his pay
It's a forty pound bill, me boys, these girls have got to pay
That's ten pounds apiece, me boys, but still they wouldn't go out!
These four drunken maidens, they pushed the jug about.

Oh where are your feathered hats, your mantles rich and fine?
They've all been swallowed up in tankards of good wine.
And where are your maidenheads, you maidens brisk and gay?
We left them in the alehouse, we drunk them clear away!

Back to top
The Froggy Song

by Ceara ni Neill
mka Alexandria Long

When I was a young lass of fourteen and two,
I went to a witch who could tell fortunes true.
But I swear that that witch cast a spell upon me
For since then I've only eyes for men slimy green.

Chorus
Someday I will find my true horny-toad.
My kiss will change him to a fine, handsome rogue
But with my luck, he'll love me and leave me to be
A-lookin' for another frog to kiss and marry me.

I hear a frog croaking near yonder deep pond.
His voice is so deep, it makes my heart grow fond!
Perhaps he's a large toad with back spotted brown;
He'll change to a fine prince with hair to the ground!

Chorus

"Come to me, sweet Ceara," he croaked with a smile.
"Aye, here lass, sit by me and chat for a while.
I'll tell you a story, you'll sing me a song.
We'll frolic together 'til dusk becomes dawn!"

"I hear thee, dear Toadie, but what if I do?
Perhaps there's no spell and your words are untrue."
"Then kiss me, I beg of you, for I know well
To regret today is better than no story to tell."

Chorus

With eyes closed, my lips touched his skin, damp and cold;
I feared of the warts of which I had been told.
But my wondering eyes opened to find such a treat
A stately, tall, and handsome prince with perfect webbed feet!

Chorus

Back to top
The Gentry Are Sleeping

Also known as The Hospitaller's Song
filk: When Johnny Comes Marching Home

The Gentry are sleeping, one by one, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, one by one, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, one by one,
And no one is having very much fun
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, two by two, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, two by two, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, two by two,
It's a terribly period thing to do.
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, three by three, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, three by three, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, three by three,
I think that's my hand on my knee.
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, four by four, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, four by four, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, four by four,
On the bed and on the floor
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, five by five, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, five by five, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, five by five,
With everybody except their wives
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, six by six, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, six by six, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, six by six,
With (insert name) up (his/her) usual tricks
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, seven by seven, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, seven by seven, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, seven by seven,
I think I've died and gone to heaven.
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, eight by eight, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, eight by eight, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, eight by eight,
Hurry up (insert name) or you'll be late.
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, nine by nine, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, nine by nine, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, nine by nine,
I don't know, it must be the wine
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

The Gentry are sleeping, ten by ten, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, ten by ten, Oyez, Oyez
The Gentry are sleeping, ten by ten,
No one's asleep and it's morning again.
And the Gentry are sleeping anywhere they can.

Back to top
Get Me to the Site on Time

Filk: Get Me to the Church on Time (from "My Fair Lady")

I've got a tourney in the morning
I'll meet other fighters in their prime.
I'll take the field
With sword axe and shield
Just get me to the site on time.

I've got a mission in the morning
Bang heads together 'til they chime.
I've oiled my curaisses
Been to fighter practice
Now get me to the site on time!

If I am sleeping, don't let me snore
If I've been drinking, pick me off the floor!

The arts competition's in the morning,
My entry's really looking fine.
Beautifully presented
And well-documented
Now get me to the site on time.

I'm well provisioned for the morning,
Packed up and ready for the climb.
Supplies are in good shape
Maps, beer, and duct tape
Now get me to the site on time.

If I am sleeping, don't let me snore
If I've been wenching, kick them out of the door!

I'm leaving early in the morning
Even before the sun will shine.
I'll get there (I'm hopin')
Before the list opens
So get me to the site
I'm gonna drive all night
For God's sake get me to the site on time!

Back to top
Gilda and the Dragon

by Cynthia McQuillin

Sir Loren undertook a quest, the maiden Gilda seeking.
He found her in a dragon's bed, from 'neath the covers peeking.
"What seek you here, Sir Loren dear?" the dragon asked with guile.
The noble knight could not but note the dragon's sated smile.

"Why smilest thou, Lord Dragon, sir?" asked our hero in armor laden?
"Why, you'd smile too," the worm replied, "if you'd just eaten a maiden."

"Such candor," this young lordling cried, "must touch upon dishonor!"
The dragon grinned his lecherous grin and once more was upon her.
"Cease and desist!" Sir Loren cried, his fine steel blade a-flashin'.
"Oh, slay him not!" young Gilda cried, her voice a play of passion.
"Was ever a maid so tried as I betwixt desire and honor?
I should demand you slay the beast, but he stirs in me such ardor!"

"Fie, fie!" Sir Loren cried to her. "What foolishness is this?
Would you deny you lord and land all for a dragon's kiss?"
Intently he did search her face, then frowned in deep dismay
As she shed a tear for honor's sake, and sent him on his way.

"Why smilest thou, Lord Dragon, sir?" asked our hero in armor laden?
"Why, you'd smile too," the worm replied, "if you'd just eaten a maiden."

Back to top
The Golden Vanity

traditional

Oh, there is a lofty ship, and she sails the open sea
And the name of our ship is the Golden vanity
And we fear we will be taken by the Spanish enemy
And sunk beneath the lowland, lowland, lowland,
Sunk beneath the lowland sea.

Then up spoke our cabin boy, and boldly out spake he
Saying unto the Captain, "What will you give to me
If I should swim alongside of the Spanish enemy,
And sink her in the lowland, lowland, lowland,
Sink her in the lowland sea?

"Oh I will give you silver and gold," said he
"And my own fair daughter your bonny bride shall be
If you will swim alongside of the Spanish enemy,
And sink her in the lowland, lowland, lowland,
Sink her in the lowland sea."

So the cabin boy made ready and overboard sprang he,
And he swam to the side of the Spanish enemy
And with his drilling tool in her side he bore holes three
And sank her in the lowland, lowland, lowland,
Sank her in the lowland sea.

Then the cabin boy swam back to the Golden Vanity
And he called upon the Captain for to pull him from the sea.
But the Captain would not heed him for his daughter he did need,
And left him in the lowland, lowland, lowland
Left him in the lowland sea.

So then the cabin boy turned round, and he swam to the port side
And he called up to his messmates and most bitterly he cried,
Saying, "Messmates, pull me up, for I'm drifting with the tide,
And I'm sinking in the lowland, lowland, lowland
Sinking in the lowland sea."

Well we pulled him up on board, but upon the deck he died.
So we wrapped him in his hammock, which was so very wide.
Then we cast him overboard, and he drifted with the tide
And he sank beneath the lowland, lowland, lowland
Sank beneath the lowland sea.

Oh, there is a lofty ship and she sails the open sea
But she sails without a cabin boy whose age was twelve and three
And we fear we will be taken by the Spanish enemy
And sunk beneath the lowland, lowland, lowland
Sunk beneath the lowland sea.

Back to top
Greensleeves

traditional

Alas, my love, you do me wrong
To cast me off discourteously.
And I have loved you so long
Delighting in your company.

Chorus
Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight
Greensleeves was my heart of gold
And who, but my Lady Greensleeves.

I have been ready at your hand
To grant what ever you would crave.
I have both waged life and land
Your love and good will for to have.

Chorus

Thou couldst desire no earthly thing
But still thou hadst it readily
Thy music still to play and sing
And yet thou wouldst not love me.

Chorus

Well I will pray to God above
That thou my constancy may'st see
For I am still thy lover true
Come once again and love me.

Chorus

Back to top
Gypsy Rover

traditional

The gypsy rover came over the hill,
Bound though the valley so shady
He whistled and he sang 'till the green woods rang
And he won the heart of a lady.

Ah dee doo, ah dee doo dah day
Ah dee doo, ah dee day dee
He whistled and he sang 'till the green woods rang
And he won the heart of a lady.

She left her father's castle gate,
She left her own true lover.
She left her servants and her estate
To follow the gypsy rover.

Ah dee doo, ah dee doo dah day
Ah dee doo, ah dee day dee
She left her servants and her estate
To follow the gypsy rover.

Her father sadled his fasted steed,
He roamed the valley all over.
He sought his daughter at great speed
And the whistling gypsy rover.

Ah dee doo, ah dee doo dah day
Ah dee doo, ah dee day dee
He sought his daughter at great speed
And the whistling gypsy rover.

He came at last to a mansion fine
Down by the River Claydee,
And there was music and there was wine
For the gypsy and his lady.

Ah dee doo, ah dee doo dah day
Ah dee doo, ah dee day dee
And there was music and there was wine
For the gypsy and his lady.

"He is no gypsy, my father," she said,
But lord of tehse lands all over;
And I will stay 'till my dying day
With my whistling gypsy rover."

Ah dee doo, ah dee doo dah day
Ah dee doo, ah dee day dee
And I will stay 'till my dying day
With my whistling gypsy rover."

And I will stay 'till my dying day
With my whistling gypsy rover."

Back to top
Heigh, Ho, Nobody Home

Heigh, ho, nobody home
Meat nor drink nor money have I none
Still, I will be merry, very merry
Heigh, ho, nobody home.

Back to top
The Heralds Said to Me

by Ioseph and Cherie Ruadh of Locksley (Website)
filk: The Twelve Days of Christmas

The first time I sent my device, the heralds said to me:
It violates the Rule of Three."

The next time I tried it, the heralds said to me:
"We changed the forms,
And it violates the Rule of Three."

The third time I tried, and the heralds said to me:
"We upped the fees,
We changed the forms,
And it violates the Rule of Three."

Another time I tried, and the heralds said to me:
"We haven't got it,
We upped the fees,
We changed the forms,
And it violates the Rule of Three. "

The fifth time I tried it, the heralds said to me: (monastic chant)
"In a decision rendered by the College of Arms on August 1rst, A.S. V, it was decided that this type of heraldic design was not appropriate to the aims and intentions of the Corporate Body. Holy, Holy, Holy!

...We haven't got it,
We upped the fees,
We changed the forms,
And it violates the Rule of Three."

I tried it a sixth time and the heralds said to me:

"It's against the Rule of Tincture,
"In a decision rendered by the College of Arms on August 1rst, A.S. V, it was decided that this type of heraldic design was not appropriate to the aims and intentions of the Corporate Body. Holy, Holy, Holy!

We haven't got it,
We upped the fees,
We changed the forms,
And it violates the Rule of Three.

(Angrily) The last time I sent my device, the heralds said to me:

(Smugly) "Someone else has got it,
"It's against the Rule of Tincture,
"In a decision rendered by the College of Arms on August 1rst, A.S. V, it was decided that this type of heraldic design was not appropriate to the aims and intentions of the Corporate Body. Holy, Holy, Holy!

...We haven't got it,
We upped the fees,
We changed the forms,
And it violates the Rule of Three!

Back to top
If I Only Had a Bard

©1997 by Ceara ni Neill
filk: If I Only Had a Brain (from the Wizard of Oz), with added chorus

In my hair I would wear flowers
And he'd sing songs by the hour
If I only had a bard;
Even if his jokes are corny
He would always make me...happy
If I only had a bard!

Chorus
And a heigh and a ho, and a heigh, nonny no,
If I only had a bard!
And a heigh and a ho, and a heigh, nonny no,
And he always would be...happy!

Where I sit on I'd wear rabbit
I'd put woad on out of habit
If I only had a bard.
I could dance around with flutes
And maybe tighten up my glutes
If I only had a bard!

Chorus

We'd hold contests during dinner
For to see who is more limber,
If I only had a bard.
I'd eat beef and he'd eat sweet-meats
But he'd always keep his beard neat,
If I only had a bard!

Chorus

Back to top
I'm a Duke and You're Not

By Lord Thomas Bordeaux
(melody negotiable)

I've heard some people talkin'
Bout the high road I've been walkin
Well it's really more about
The things that I can't live without.
I've got the finest clothes they're makin',
And the greatest care I've taken
Not to dress like those below me
Yeah, you, who used to know me
Won't believe the things I've got-
'Cause I'm a duke, and you're not.

Chorus
I'm a duke and you're not,
I can throw those options shots
I love the sound of ringing metal,
Hey, there's one more for the kettle
Yeah, I'm a duke and you're not,
Come and get it while it's hot
Just set 'em up, I'll knock 'em down,
Pound those guys into the ground
I'm here to show you what I've got-
'Cause I'm a duke and you're not.

When it comes to heavy fightin'
There's some things I really like
First there's the fact that I'm the winner
I never have to buy my dinner.
It doesn't matter what I'm sayin'
It's my word they'll be obeyin
'Sides most people are just weenies
All my Queens wear string bikinis!)
I am really hot to trot-
'Cause I'm a duke and you're not.

Chorus

Those other peers they think they
Know a little 'bout the kingdom
And the way that things should be.
Yeah, but if they did, they'd see
That it's the fighting men that matter
And the world would surely shatter
If I didn't play the game.
Things would never be the same
And that's why I'm at the top-
Cause I'm a duke, and you're not.

Chorus

I've heard that somewhere out there
There's some guy that likes to sing and likes
To tell his little stories
And oh wait, there's even more-he's
Got a little tune he's singin'
'Bout some fighters that he's zingin'
And some say that one's about me
But won't give them cause to doubt me
There's no reason to get hot
'Cause I'm a duke and he's not.

I'm a duke and he's not,
He can't block my option shots
He doesn't' even have a Crescent
On the field he isn't' present
I'm a duke and he's not
And all that he can do is natter
He can have his chitter-chatter.
Of the things that really matter
He's a little, I'm a lot-
'Cause I'm a duke, and he's not.

Back to top
I'm a Rover

also known as "A Health to All True-Lovers"

Chorus
I'm a rover, seldom sober.
I'm a rover of high degree.
It's when I'm drinking
I'm always thinking
How to gain my loves' company.

'Tis many a night I'm going to ramble,
'Tis many a night I'm going to roam
'Tis many a night I'm going to ramble
Into the arms of my won true love.

Chorus

O through the night be as dark as dungeon
Still a star be seen above
I shall be guided without a stumble
Into the arms of my own true love.

Chorus

I stepped up to her bedroom window
I tapped softly upon the pane
I whispered through her bedroom window,
My darlin', dear, do you lie alone?

Chorus

She raised her head from her downsoft pillow
Waved her arms about her breast
Says what is that at my bedroom window
Disturbing me at my long night's rest?

Chorus

Says I, my darling, it's thy true lover
Open the door and let me in.
For I have come on this long nights' journey
For to be in thy arms again.

Chorus

She opened the door with the greatest pleasure
Opened the door and let me in
For I have come on this long nights' journey
For to be in thy arms again.

Chorus

Says I my darlin', I must leave you
To climb the hills, they're far above
But I shall climb with the greatest pleasure
I've been in the arms of my own true love.

Back to top
Itches in Me Britches

I was born of country parents
One day when I was young
That's how the country dialect
Became me native tongue.
That I was a pretty babe,
Me mother she would vow
The girls all ran to kiss me
Well I wish they'd do it now.

Chorus
Oh I wish they'd do it now,
Oh I wish they'd do it now,
I've got itches in me britches
And I wish they'd do it now!

Well, when I was only six months old
The girls would handle me
They clutched me to their bosoms
And they bounced me on their knee.
They would rock me in the cradle
And if I made a row
They'd tickle me, they'd cuddle me
I wish they'd do it now.

Chorus

At sixteen months, as fine a lad
As ever could be seen
The girls all liked to follow me
Right down to the green
They would make a chain of buttercups
And drop it on my brow
Then they'd roll me in the clover,
Well, I wish they'd do it now.

Chorus

Well the eastern girls would call for me
To swim when it was mild
Down to the river we would go
And splash about a while
They would throw the water over me
And duck me like a cow
Then they'd rub me nice all over.
Well, I wish they'd do it now.

Chorus

Well, it's awful lonely for a lad
To lead a single life
I think I'll go to the dance tonight
And find meself a wife.
Oh, I've got six bundle pigs
Likewise one big fat sow